The Art of Love. The Love of Art.


Every work of art is an act of love. Even those fueled by rage or created in protest. Maybe even especially those fueled by rage or created in protest. To make art and share it with the public is to give part of yourself away. Whether it is hanging in a gallery, printed on paper, or being performed on stage, it is a vulnerable offering of self. It is saying, “Here is my heart. This is who I am.”


To create without inhibition is to surrender outcome. You have no control over the opinions of the people you are offering nothing less than your life.

Art and love take time. They need to be nurtured, practiced, honed. They are evolving processes. They undergo revisions. They fumble and folly, but you have to throw yourself into them with no holding back if you’re going to create something of worth. Your art and your love are never wasted.

Don’t hang your hopes on an agenda. Just offer. Show up. Give it your all. Make beauty even out of ugly things. Especially out of ugly things. Your struggles have given you fertile ground in which to sow new life. Give your struggles purpose and they will become something else.

Take your time. Be patient, but start now. Let each step lead to the next, and the path will unfurl under your feet. The process and the outcome are never separate.

Manifesto of Joie de Vivre



Because the joy of living is not a compartmentalized affair, just as I am not multiple people sharing one body, switching out my personhood depending upon the situation, I choose to live my life in a state of flow in which none of my activities are separate from the whole. I recognize work/life balance as a farce, and choose instead to balance myself internally by letting my work extend from the rest of my life and the rest of my life to be embraced by my work.


And because this life is only mine for such a relatively short time within forever, I am making the conscious decision to be an active participant, to take responsibility for my words, thoughts, deeds, and their impact upon myself and others. I am saying yes to choosing happiness whenever possible, and to being honest enough with myself to admit that more often than not, it is possible to find happiness in even the bleakest and most uncontrollable circumstances. I am saying no to globalizing negative emotions, and refusing to participate in my brain’s addiction to stress hormones. I will not play along when my mind tries to derail me with negativity, because I choose to live in a state of joy and positivity, and know that my brain can be trained to prefer that state of being.


I am expanding my capacity to love by forgiving myself for what I have so long perceived as shortcomings. I am acknowledging my own goodness. I will recognize my capacity for expansion as I stretch beyond the self-imposed boundaries I created out of fear. Within this expansion, my self-love allows me to be more pure in my intentions to love my wife, our children, my friends, my clients, and every other person whose life intersects with mine, regardless of how briefly our paths cross. By filling myself full of love, I am discovering that there is no room in my life for self-loathing, self-righteousness, or self-pity, all of which are nothing more than convoluted expressions of fear. This commitment to love extends outward from my core, to all that I do, whether I’m caring for my own health, tending to my marriage, writing a book, or working with clients.



I am choosing to honor my body, thankful for all that it has done and continues to do for me. Despite years of abuse, perpetuated by myself and others, my body has been an unceasingly faithful servant, and it deserves to be nurtured, appreciated, and thanked for everything it has given me. At this time in my life, caring for my health means being proactive in the management of MCAD, meticulously reviewing my own labs and records, coordinating care and the sharing of information between the wonderful specialists on my healthcare team, overcoming my fear of pharmaceuticals in order to take the drugs that are currently necessary, and keeping trigger logs in order to slowly and safely add nourishing foods and activities back into my life. I will treat my daily healing meditation as an appointment that can’t be missed, because I know that the brain controls all bodily functions, and that meditation changes the structure of the brain and the chemical messages it sends. I will take care of the present reality of my disease without losing optimism and faith that I can heal to the point of complete remission of symptoms.


Because I trust myself, I can relax into trusting my life. I trust my gut instincts, and I will not rob myself of this primal gift by having anyone in my life who doesn’t belong here. Because I don’t waste my energy on people I don’t wish to have in my life, my full focus and attention can be given to the people who mean the most to me. I will remember that it is possible to be kind and compassionate without sacrificing boundaries or the right to say no.


Because creativity is vital for learning, growth, joy, and innovation, I will not tamp down my curiosity or apologize for my enthusiasm. I will remind myself to bring a sense of awe and wonder to each day, because every brand new twenty-four hours is something I have never seen before, and what it may hold is limited only by my own beliefs. I will not belittle myself for thinking big, or make myself small by shrinking into a role designated by someone else. I will step into my life, fully present, and grateful for the opportunity.


Today we’re writing manifestos of spirit in our What’s the Big Idea? ecourse. Want to write your own? Join us for the next What’s the Big Idea?  Classes begin March 23rd. Reserve your space today! Click here for more details.


Nothing changes, except what must


“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” -Paulo Coelho

If you don’t follow me on social media, you might not know that the reason this blog has been so quiet lately is because I’ve been dealing with some major health challenges. After several months of dealing with doctors and specialists, trying to figure out what was going on with my body, I was recently diagnosed with a rare disease called Mast Cell Activation Disorder. Rest assured, Dominate isn’t going anywhere! I just needed to make my health a full-time job for a little while to ensure that I can be at my best, both personally and professionally.
Dominate won’t be going anywhere, but it is undergoing some major changes, and I want to share with you a little bit about what that means for you, for me, for “the business,” and why I’m switching things up.

Chronic illness can be confusing in some ways, but it is also very clarifying in others. If you let it, it will bring you back to who you really are, your values, and what you hold close.

In the great clarity that has settled over me in the last few months, I’ve realized how far I’ve drifted from who I really am in some regards. It wasn’t intentional (I think these things rarely are calculated or pre-meditated), but I really lost a lot of my essence in the name of “good business.”

Here’s the thing, though… what makes me a terrible businesswoman has historically also been precisely what made me such a wonderful businesswoman. I let go of a lot of what I valued the most as I tried to adhere to advice offered up by well-meaning professionals who operate within formulaic confines. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and unnatural feeling, but I did that. And now I’m done.

You all know how much I love running Pay What You Can specials. It’s one of my favorite things ever, and I tried to find excuses to run them as often as possible. But here’s the thing… It’s MY business. Why on earth do I need an excuse to cut prices whenever the hell I feel like it?

What you may not know is that in my former incarnation, before I was a Creativity Consultant and freelance writer, I was a licensed midwife. And before that, I was a doula and a childbirth educator. And what you definitely don’t know about that time of my life, unless you were one of my clients, is that before I merged with a partner who didn’t operate the same way I did (and again after we parted ways) I built a successful business offering not just sliding scale and Pay What You Can, but also incorporating barter and trade. Did I ever get screwed over? Yes. Once in a great while I would have someone claim they could only afford to pay me 1/4 of my fee and after I agreed would drop a few thousand dollars on a vacation or a designer nursery without blinking, but those were the exceptions, not the rule. More often than not, I had good, decent people show up in my life. I had people who were truly struggling to make ends meet get incredibly creative to make sure that our money/service exchange felt fair and worthwhile. I had wealthy people with huge hearts who would pay it forward by not only paying me my full fee, but also throw in a generous bonus as a thank-you gift.  In short, it all worked out. I never got rich, but I made enough to pay my bills, feed my kids, and do something fun once in awhile. It was a system I had been warned against, but instead of biting me in the ass, it kissed my forehead and blessed me, time and time again.

It was in alignment with my values. It resonated with who I am. And it worked. I was happy. My clients were happy. It was just a freaking happy way of doing business for me.

And then things shifted. I had to leave midwifery to take care of some things within my family that needed my full attention.  I moved across the country to live with my partner and get married. In the midst of such major changes, I was struggling to integrate in a place that is so different in every way for where I came from that it has felt like moving to a foreign country in which I don’t know the norms and customs and barely speak the language. There’s more financial pressure here. The community is much more affluent than my downtown Phoenix ‘hood. People view money and success differently here, and they prioritize where that money goes in a much different way than I’m used to. Straddling the Great Class Divide can be tricky, and I didn’t realize that I had started shifting myself and my values towards what surrounds me until it had happened.

Now I’m coming clean. This isn’t me. Not only is it not me, I don’t care if I am going to be living here for the next ten years and will never fit in, I don’t WANT to transform myself in this way to try to force the fit.

Just to be clear, I don’t think anyone’s values or ways of doing business are inferior to mine. I don’t think I live in a community full of awful people. Not in the least. There are lots of ways of being awesome. Luckily, we all get to choose what that means to us.

For me, I want to go back to being my own unique version of awesome. I want to love people and meet them where they are. I want to trust in the generosity and honesty of my clients. I want to be pragmatic about my monetary needs, and yes, even dream of making it big, but I want to do it in a way that never, ever steps on anyone else. I don’t want to offer elitist services that ensure that creativity belongs only to those with greater financial resources. I want to invite everyone to play. It’s just who I am.

So. Deep breath. I’m saying yes to myself. I’m reclaiming my terrible, awful business model and group hug pricing system. If I can’t pay my bills in a few months, I may have to revisit it, but I’ll never know unless I take the risk, yeah? If past experiences are any predictor, this isn’t going to hurt me. I’m not sure why I ever fell into the trap of believing that I couldn’t do this here and now.

Want a consultation? The suggested prices live here, but if you can’t afford it and really think you’d benefit, you just tell me what you can afford and we’ll work it out.

Were you aching to join the What’s the Big Idea? ecourse, but couldn’t come up with $108 and still buy groceries? Been there, done that, honey. Tell me what you can pay and still put dinner on the table. That’s your price.

Maybe the project you get underway during our time together will ease your financial burden. Maybe it will never bring you a freaking penny, but it will FEEL GOOD. Either way, I think you deserve it.

Wow. I feel better. I feel like me. I hope this change will feel good to you, too.

7 Secrets of Networking For the Shy and Socially Awkward


Your palms start sweating when you think of making cold calls. Someone tells you about an upcoming networking event, and you suddenly feel like you’re coming down with something contagious. The idea of walking into a crowded room and trying to meet as many people as possible to tell them about what you do is about as appealing as taking a leisurely swim in shark infested waters.

You don’t just get a little case of social jitters. You’re terrified.

While innate tendencies towards introversion might be set in stone, being shy and socially awkward is not. Believe it or not, the way you present yourself, and even the level of horror you experience when thinking about networking, is a learned behavior. Somewhere along the line, you got the message that mingling with strangers is dangerous business. No, you’re probably not going to have anyone punch you in the face at a networking event, but that’s not your worst fear, is it?

Your worst fear is rejection. It’s the nagging suspicion that the voice in your head telling you that you’re not cool enough, interesting enough, or smart enough for these people might be proven right. It’s the idea that someone might say something or give you a look that confirms what you knew all along. You’re an impostor. Your idea is bogus. And they’re all going to see right through it. Isn’t that what’s really holding you back?

It’s a painful thing to contemplate. It was probably ten times as painful when you actually experienced it at some point in your life. How old were you? Seven? Twelve? Seventeen? Whenever it was, I’m really, really sorry that some little shithead (or many shitheads) tormented you to the point where you learned that being visible is dangerous. Or maybe it wasn’t another kid. Maybe it was a teacher. Or your parents. In any case, it’s rotten. It sucks.

But you’re not that kid, anymore. And the people you’ll be networking with? Aside from the occasional person whose social development seems to have ceased with their first pimple, they’re not those kids, either. They’re also not authority figures you can’t escape from. And if anyone treats you unkindly, you’re not trapped. You can leave. You probably won’t have to, though. As hard as it might be for you to believe right now, most of the people you’ll encounter when you start networking are going to be really decent human beings. Some of them will probably even become your friends. If you’re very lucky, you might meet a mentor or two. That’s one piece of good news. And here’s another piece of good news:

Every learned behavior can be unlearned. You can unlearn your fear.

Overcoming your fear of networking won’t happen all at once. It’s a process. It’s going to take dedication, and it’s going to require you to step directly into the situations that scare you. This means that in the beginning it might feel like it gets worse before it gets better, especially if your coping mechanism of choice has been total avoidance. Push through that part. The good stuff is right around the next corner.

  1. Preparation alleviates stress – Prepare an elevator pitch, along with answers to a list of questions you think people will likely ask. Practice in front of a mirror until they roll off your tongue. If you know the names of some of the people who will be there, look them up online. Yes, do it! Be a social media stalker! Learn a little bit about what they do, along with their hobbies and interests. Bonus points for things you have in common, or their areas of expertise that you find fascinating, but don’t know much about. Conversation will be a million times easier.
  2. You don’t have to face it alone – Eventually, you’ll need to get comfortable networking alone, but you don’t have to start there. The first time or two, take a friend with you. Preferably a friend who is your social polar opposite. If you have a friend who could make conversation with absolutely anyone, rope them into going. They’ll drag you into conversations whether you want to be a part of them or not, and you’ll probably end up enjoying it in spite of yourself.
  3. Set a realistic goal – Realistic is subjective. For one person it might be staying for two hours and making at least eight new contacts. For another, staying for half an hour and making conversation with one person might be a major accomplishment. And for some, just walking through the doors and not allowing yourself to leave for fifteen minutes might be a push. It doesn’t matter how small you start. Just start. Set your goal and don’t let yourself bolt until you’ve met it.
  4. Check your body language at the door – Take a deep breath, all the way down into your belly. On the exhale, pretend like your head is being lifted towards the ceiling by helium balloons. Take a second deep breath, and this time on the exhale, roll your shoulders back and let them drop. With the third and last deep breath and exhale, pay attention to your hands. Don’t clench them. Give them a little shake to loosen them up. Drop them to your sides so you don’t end up crossing your arms and giving the silent signal that you’re closed off.
  5. Find the second shyest, most socially awkward person in the room – I say the second, because I’m presuming that you think you’ll be the first. Don’t try to cop out by saying you can’t tell who that person is. You’ll know, because they’ll look like you feel. They might have their arms crossed or make valiant efforts to look like they’re having a good time without making eye contact with anyone. They’ll probably be standing by the snack table or on the fray of the crowd. Make a beeline for this person. Introduce yourself.  It will be good for both of you. You’ll feel more at ease talking to someone who is as scared as you, and they’ll be relieved that someone initiated a conversation.
  6. Strategic restroom use – If you feel yourself breaking a sweat and getting overwhelmed, instead of bailing out, go to the restroom. Take a few minutes to calm yourself down. Go back to the deep belly breathing. Shake out your muscles. Stand up straight. Smile until it starts to look somewhat natural. Then get back out there.
  7. Consistent repetition – Doing it once is a fantastic first step, but it’s all about repetition. You unlearn one way of being by learning a new way, and we learn by doing. Just like someone who plays the piano every day will progress faster than someone who practices once a week, the more consistent you are with your networking efforts, the quicker you’ll overcome your anxiety.

Remember that your fear is make believe. It might be based in something that really happened, but that moment has come and gone. It’s over. The fear that is causing you to feel shy and socially awkward now is nothing more than a shadow. It’s time to step out of the shadows and into the light. Everything looks a lot safer out here.

Taking Off the Mask


Have you ever met someone in person after having “known” them from a distance, only to discover that their persona is absolutely nothing like the person?

It’s kind of unsettling, isn’t it?

Remember that when you’re branding yourself.

Branding a big business is one thing. Because really, nobody cares if the creators of their favorite jeans or the CEO of their grocery store matches up with the images they conjure when they think of the company.

It’s different when you’re an entrepreneur with a small business. Especially if you’re selling a service, not a product. Like it or not (and I hope that you like it, because it’s one of the very best parts of being a small business owner), there’s a degree of bonding and connection between you and the people you serve that just doesn’t happen with bigger businesses.

If you’re not sure what I mean, here’s an example. I have a business crush on Itty Biz. So if I’m at a party, and someone is talking about the latest article on the Itty Biz blog, I’d probably rudely interrupt the conversation, crowing, “I LOVE Naomi Dunford!”

Do I really love Naomi Dunford? I think I love Naomi Dunford, but in reality, I don’t know her. If the same person who was talking about her at the party had been talking about some random friend and I had interrupted to say that I loved that person, they’d probably ask how I knew them. And when I admitted that I didn’t know them, they’d think I was a total weirdo. But if they’re talking about someone with a public persona, like Naomi Dunford, and I say that I love her, no one is going to think it’s a weird thing to say, even though we’ve never met. Chances are high that the person will actually say, “I know! Don’t you love her? I just love her!”

Why? Because every single person who reads Itty Biz regularly feels like they know Naomi Dunford. She shares personal stories about her life. Her voice is consistent. Her sense of humor is so uniquely her own that if you’ve read more than a handful of articles she’s written, you’d probably know she was the author of a piece before you ever glanced at the byline.

I read Itty Biz because Naomi and Dave produce consistently entertaining and useful articles. I recommend their courses because they know their shit inside-out, backwards, and sideways, and if you follow their advice, it works. But the warm fuzzies I feel that would cause me to shriek, “I love Naomi Dunford!” aren’t just about her business smarts. It’s that magical combination of liking what she produces, along with feeling like she’s the type of person I would want to hang out with, that causes the emotional reaction.

Contrast my feelings above with my feelings for Anthropologie. I have a product crush on Anthropologie. I love their clothing. I love their housewares. I love the artful staging of products that make me feel like I’m having a sensorygasm every single time I step inside one of their stores. I love it that the salespeople don’t kick me out or give me dirty looks when I try on things I can’t afford to buy, just for the sheer pleasure of feeling a perfectly fitting pair of jeans on my ass for three minutes.

If someone started talking about David McCreight at a party, I wouldn’t be screaming that I love him. I’ve been trolling Anthropologie for years, and I didn’t even know he was the store’s CEO until I Googled it two seconds ago. I saw a picture of him. Trust me, he doesn’t look anything like what your imagination conjures up when someone mentions Anthropologie. I bet he never even tries on their jeans. Do I care? No. I do not. I only care that Anthropologie provides me with oodles of eye candy to ogle.

There is a difference between branding a massive company and a small business.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to brand yourself like a big business.

So how do you brand yourself? It’s too cheesy to say, “Authentically,” so I won’t say it. I’ll just type it. Take off the masks. No, you are not a brand. You’re too big to be defined by something so small. You’re not required to share every part of yourself with the public. Just make sure that what you do share aligns with who you really are.

  • Write like you talk
  • Don’t bait and switch your values
  • Your logo, website, and marketing materials should jive with your personality
  • Align your public persona with your person

You may not be for sale, but remember that to some degree, your customers are indeed buying a little piece of you. They’re paying for your brilliant creations. Or time to pick your brain. They’re buying the words that they hope you meant when you wrote them. So don’t dupe the people who think they love you, ok? It’s not a cool thing to do. You don’t want them to run into you at the park and walk away scratching their heads, going, “Um, WTF?”

Insincerity is a fantastic customer repellent.

Take off the mask. Visibility can be terrifying, but what you’re covering up is exactly what the world needs from you. Let your brand be YOU. This is how you sell without selling out.

Warning: Do Not Read This Post If You’d Rather Stay Stressed and Overwhelmed

note valuesLast night, I sat down for five minutes. I paused.

My 12-year-old daughter wasn’t feeling well; she’d had a headache at school and came home funky. I had been at work all day, gone grocery shopping after, came home and put away the groceries, made tacos, played Mankala with my third-grader and read to her in bed, then sang to her while she fell asleep. In other words, it was a pretty normal evening. By 9:00pm, I was ready to collapse myself, but my headachey daughter wanted me to sit with her. I did, for a few minutes, stroking her hair. Then I said, I’ll come back in a little while.

And I took two pillows from my bed, asked my partner if she wanted to sit for five minutes, set the timer on my phone, and settled in facing the wall.

And then it came… the contrast, and the corresponding relief. Of doing nothing. Of not responding to anything, not even my girl when she came padding into my bedroom. The amazing thing was she didn’t say a word. She saw that I was sitting there and just seemed to understand, that I was not avoiding her or putting off her needs. I was simply tending to my own, for five minutes that felt both like a blink and an hour. An oasis, even if it was filled with thoughts from the day and thoughts of what else still needed doing. I knew she needed my attention, and I also knew she could wait. I knew there were still more dishes to wash and a load of laundry to put in the dryer, and that those too could wait.

The same moment could be applied at work. Say you have back-to-back meetings, an overflowing inbox. You’ve barely stopped to pee, much less take a lunch break to get some fresh air or take a short walk. Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to move some big project forward, or you have to prepare an agenda for a meeting with your boss. Let’s say you supervise other people, and two of them called in sick today and payroll is due, you have to get to the bank before 5:00pm, and the dentist’s office just called with a reminder about your cleaning this afternoon. Maybe you and your significant other have been meaning to go for a fall hike all fall, and you are wistfully aware that the trees are almost bare of leaves and there is a frost warning for tonight.

This is the part where you might feel like you can’t possibly pause. There is too much to do. Maybe this is the part where you feel irritable. Or overwhelmed. Or just tired.

Our days are often like this, in some iteration or another, a fugue of incessant sixteenth notes without variation, fast fast fast and full full full and go go go. And this is when things are going along fairly “normally,” meaning there is no emergency, no crisis. No frozen pipes or dreaded pink slip or last-minute snafu, no injured child or chronic illness or bad news on the other end of the line.

If you have ever practiced yoga, you know that savanasana, or corpse pose, is how every practice concludes–whether it was a gentle 15 minutes or a vigorous 90. The language of yoga is that of “integrating the benefits of our practice,” the intention being that without taking the time to just be, to pause, to rest, we cannot fully come to feel the effects of all the doing.

If life feels like something you have to hold onto like a handbasket on its way straight to hell, or a roller-coaster ride that makes your stomach lurch, or simply a treadmill stuck on an 8-minute-mile when you’d rather be strolling, pausing like this can be painful. Because rather than feeling the benefits of all of the doing, you might feel the negative impact of it. You might realize, by taking five minutes to just sit there, that not pausing is actually a form of procrastination. Not taking rest when to do so is an option (and there are few professions where it isn’t) is a way of avoiding your life, even as you might think your life is the reason you can’t, or don’t, pause.

Our culture–whether you’re a manager, a business owner, a parent, an artist, none or or all of the above–feeds this reliance on busy and its corresponding glorification of stress. It’s a badge we wear, a purple heart of martyrdom.

If more people said, Actually, that can wait five minutes, if we could differentiate between fires to put out and true emergencies, if we inserted rest symbols into the endless stream of notes that is the music of our days, we might just start making different choices about how we live and work. We might get brave and admit to someone that we don’t in fact enjoy this sense of chaos and the anxiety it provokes, that causes all kinds of problems–in our relationships, our health, our ability to keep up.

We might just stop keeping up.

And that may be scary, especially if our sense of security and even self-worth rests on this premise that we must go a million miles an hour from the moment we wake till we collapse into bed.

But it doesn’t have to be scary.

Like all fears, as soon as you turn the light on, the big monster shadows shrink to harmlessness. If you find that you are putting a lot of things off–whether it’s returning that package with the too-small shoes or meeting the deadline that looms closer each day–consider that pausing is actually an antidote to procrastination. It may be just the thing you need to move forward.

Stop, for a moment, for one full breath, for five minutes, and respond to nothing. I am willing to bet nothing will fall apart. In fact, this small act may be the glue that holds all the pieces together.

Dismantling the Atomic Fears

atomic bomb


I have a love/hate relationship with self-help books. I love the concept. Self-help = help yourself. Right on. I’m all in favor of that. That would be the love. The hate part is a little bit harder to nail down, at least in words. Books like The Secret make me cringe. While I believe that our beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes influence our lives in some major ways, fostering a belief that all you have to do is believe strongly enough in something, and practice feeling it as though it has already happened, is enough to make it occur is beyond ridiculous.

If the concepts in The Secret work, explain to me why I was never able to get my Big Wheel to fly? I believed it would happen with all of my heart. I felt the power, triumph, and exhilaration fully. Yet still, my little five-year-old body never cleared the ground on that thing.

I’ve spent countless hours reading, implementing, and assessing dozens upon dozens of self-help books. Some of them are invaluable. Some of them are worse than worthless; they’re toxic. Books that lead to product deals, making the authors extremely wealthy, while unable to show any evidence that the theories actually work, piss me off.

The Secret is that anything worth having is going to require more than belief. In fact, it will require quite a lot from you. You’re going to need a healthy dose of the following:

  • Optimism
  • Desire
  • Action
  • Willingness to Fail
  • Persistence
  • Help from Other People
  • Flexibility
  • Discipline
  • Bravery
  • A Plan
  • Coping Skills

If you’re looking at this list and feeling like you don’t stand a chance, give yourself some credit. You’ve probably exhibited most or all of these traits at different times in your life. What about right now? Assess yourself honestly.

Don’t be shy about patting yourself on the back for the things you’re doing well. It’s not only okay to feel good about the things you’re doing well, it’s critical for you to acknowledge those things if you’re going to succeed.

What about the areas in which you could use some reinforcements? When you look at the things that are holding you back, remember that there’s no need to feel ashamed. Having weaknesses doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Being human is a good thing. What’s the other option? And the only way to improve anything is to get very clear and brutally honest.

When you think about your art or your business in terms of what isn’t going so well, what is your primary emotion?

I’m lucky enough to work with artists and creative entrepreneurs on a regular basis, and while the issues we discuss are personal and differ greatly, almost always, when we get to this question, the answer is the same.

The Primary Emotion That Holds Us Back is FEAR.

What are you afraid of? Are your fears realistic? Are they likely to come to fruition? If they did, would your world fall apart? Would you die? Or would you feel the pain and ramifications, recover, and keep living? If you’re ever going to put fear in its place, meaning that it will no longer rule your life, you have to look the beast in the eye.

Remove emotion from your assessment of the fear. It might sound impossible, but it isn’t. It’s actually not that hard at all. Pretend that you’re not looking at your issues at all. Take them in as if they belong to someone else, someone you care about, and imagine that they’re asking you for advice.

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to be reasonable and pragmatic when offering advice to other people than it is when you’re trying to figure out how to tackle your own problems? It’s because no matter how much you love and care about the other person, you’re slightly removed from the situation. Learning to distance yourself from your own life issues enough to give them this same sort of objective once-over isn’t easy, but it’s a skill worth learning. I can’t promise you that you’ll never feel afraid again (you will), but I can promise you that bouts of hysteria and paralysis will take up residence in your brain less often.

Teeny Tiny Baby Steps


It’s time to put down the self-help book and actually do something. I’m not against reading about overcoming fear. I think it can be very useful. I’m sitting here right now writing about it, and I wouldn’t be wasting my time if I didn’t believe it could be of value to the people who will read it. But it can get a little sticky when you start to confuse reading about something (or talking about it) with doing something about it. If you’ve read eleven self-help books in the past year, but you haven’t started to implement changes in your daily life, you’re no further along than you were before you read them. If you’re like me, it’s all too easy to get stuck in the research phase without taking action.

So I’m asking you to do something for yourself today. When you’re done reading this article, sit down with a pen and paper. Ask yourself what steps you can take, right now, to move through your fears, and write down as many as you can. It might mean that you RSVP for a networking event, even though you’re terrified to talk to strangers. It might mean calling your local library and reserving a room for a free class, even though you’re afraid no one will show up. Or maybe you’ll send out an email to your twenty closest friends and ask them to promote your upcoming gallery show, even though you’re fretting that they might feel like you’re imposing on their time.

Aside from being situations that all evoke fear for some people, do you see the common thread between all of those things? No, I’m not talking about the fact that they are all forms of marketing. I’m talking about the fact that they are all first steps towards doing something bigger.  They’re teeny, tiny baby steps. Not one of them will take more than fifteen minutes. If you’ve listed something that will take longer than this, it might be too big for a beginning step. Break it down into smaller, shorter steps. This makes them totally doable. You can do anything for fifteen minutes. You’ll be afraid for just a quarter of an hour, and then that step will be done.

Take one fifteen minute step each day for a week. Next week, aim for two fifteen minute steps a day. Week by week, your distress tolerance will increase, and your fear will decrease. You might still be afraid, but it won’t take you long to discover that even if you’re afraid, that fear can’t really hurt you, because it’s not actually real.

And just like that, you’re doing it. You’re helping yourself.